Panda Bear's Art of War
by Shenyu
Summary: The battles of halo online multiplayer does not require brute strength, but strategy, thus the art of war of halo. Starring Panda Bear. [Slight humor]
1. Panda Bear

Halo Multiplayer Mayhem

Chapter 1

21:22 hours, Feb 23, 2006 (civilian calendar)Sol system, Blood Gulch, simulated Halo.

"Enemy contacts, all sectors." Player 'Panda Bear', also known as Blue 001 in this particular online multiplayer Halo CTF, keyed to his team. He was a team player, always able to function in a team structure, constantly relying on his teammates to cover his back. Panda Bear was an natural leader, he was always strategizing in every circumstance in life; being a avid reader of the book "Sun Tzu's Art of War" only adds to his wisdom.

"Back up required near the Red teleportation device, enemy contacts acquired, back up required." Blue 001 typed quickly to his team as no less than three Spartans in red armor, contrasting to his own blue armor, materialized from the green pod near the middle of Blood Gulch.

For a moment, no sign of acknowledgement rewarded him; Blue 001 waited another second, still no acknowledgement. He sighed, such were the pains of an online multiplayer CTF, everyone just went their own way; the pros, wielding the almost legendary M6D pistols, gunned down the so called 'noobs' with deadly accuracy to the head. The 'noobs', finding no other options to retaliate, usually resorted to the purple covenant vehicle known as the Banshees, a deadly aerial vehicle with powerful plasma rifles mounted at its nose and a recharging fuel rod cannon for the extra punch. The noobs, after acquiring such a powerful vehicle, could usually lay waste to all but a few of their more skilled enemies; thus gaining kills, and at the same time, hatred from almost everyone towards both he/she, and the 'shee'.

Blue 001 sighed again, two red dots appeared on his heads-up display radar and were moving in on his 12, he could try to meet them head on, but that would almost guarantee his eventual demise. The lone Spartan began to move, M6D pistol firmly grasped in one hand, he fell back to the curve that led back to blue base. After readying himself and checking his radar, the armored warrior primed and threw a grenade at the hilltop around the area where he was standing a few moments ago and where his two enemies were sure to appear at any second.

A soft, smoky trail followed the human-explosive as it traced a graceful arc through the air and landed exactly where Panda Bear intended for it to land. No sooner had the grenade landed did one red armored figure jump out from behind the hill, his assault rifle blazing away in full automatic fire in the general direction of Blue 001.

Panda Bear relaxed, the assault rifle was generally banished to the league of noobs who were too nooby to know any better. It was a powerful weapon in close range, and had to be fired in short bursts. But if the user were to open fire with the weapon in full automatic, the gun will shake violently and the bullets will almost never find their marks.

As Blue 001 began to move in order to dodge the wild bullets, the frag grenade that he had thrown detonated, enveloping the enemy above it in a wave of heat and shrapnel. The red's energy shield erupted, flickered, and went out in a yellow blaze as he landed. From experience, Panda Bear was well aware that a detonation of a frag grenade at point blank range would not only destroy his enemy's (and sometimes ally's) shields, it'll also take their health down to around the three-bar region, a very dangerous feat since one nicely-aimed shot with a M6D pistol will be able to kill the victim at that point.

Blue 001 backed up as more wild bullets streaked past him and took aim with his pistol. The word "new001" appeared over his enemy's head.

"So you ARE a noob". Panda Bear smirked as he pulled the trigger once, and he watched as the armor-piercing titanium slug left its barrel, his gun cocking back from the instant recoil, and the impact on his enemy near the neck. New 001 crumpled in mid leap, his arms and legs flailing wildly, his weapons and grenades falling to the ground around him as he landed, sprawled out in a bloody heap.

"Hostile eliminated." Blue 001 wrote to his team, half way done writing, he gave up, it's not as if any of his team will actually read the message anyway. Usually, the only time a Spartan looked to the messages is either 1) when they think they've killed someone or 2) when the get killed, in order toexact theirrevenge. As Blue 001 was engulfed in his own resentment, a strong force hit him in the chest, followed by the temporary blinding of his vision. He was under attack, Panda Bear side stepped the next bullet and cleared his vision. The second red Spartan, whom he has neglected to consider after disposing of the first red, was bearing down on him, pistol blazing away. Panda glanced at his health monitor, half of his shield has already depleted. Blue 001 turned and headed around the curve leading back to blue base, where scattered combat was happening in generally… everywhere. He backed up against the shadowy side of the cliff and crouched behind a bush. The quick escape provided him with a few moments to catch his breath and let his shield recharge while the red gave chase. This is precisely why he liked to fight around his base where many cover was available if the need arose.

He watched the red dot approach the curve and his shield slowly recharge. The blue bar filled to full just as the helmet of the red Spartan rounded the corner into the shadowy area where Blue 001 was hiding. Panda leaped out from his position and fired after aiming hastily, he pressed the trigger five times, each shot finding a different location on the armor of his enemy. The shadowy area beside the blue base gave him advantage when it came to battle, because the enemy will give chase, and when they entered the dark area, they usually needed some time to adjust to the low light; a perfect spot and position for them to die in because they came in with the light at their backs, giving Panda a perfectly shoot-able target.

The energy shielding for his enemy burned away aftertaking the fifth shot. Panda smirked and aimed more precisely for the head, the bullet found its target. Panda was about to fire the final shot when his gun stopped firing, and began to reload. "Crap," this was the worst situation.

His enemy, after finally pinpointing the location of Panda Bear, opened fire with precise aim. Blue 001's vision flashed wildly, his shield depleted after the third shot and the forth took his health down to 4 bars. At this time, Panda had finished reloading and aimed with shaky hands. Either it was out of seasoned skill or just pure luck, his first bullet found the head of his target. The red Spartan, much like his/her previous counterpart, fell and sprawled out in a heap.

Panda sighed, 'phew,that wasa close one.' Just as he was thinking that, a huge yellow dot approached on his radar from his 6. The next instant, Panda was run over by a warthog. Moments later, the words (Panda Bear was betrayed by your mom) appeared on screen.

"God damn it! Not Your Mom!" Panda was outraged, his rivalry with the hated 'team killer' "your mom" is well known.

A Spartan's job is never done. Panda sighed, and waited to respawn, in order to exact his revenge on the most hated nemesis; and less skilled; and downright stupid when it came to naming oneself (Your Mom).

"Blood will be spilt this day! BUWAHAHAHAHA"

To be continued

Review or die. Those who read and review are worse than team killers! Shun them all! BUWAHAHA


	2. Slowpoke

This fan fiction is now known as "Panda Bear's Art of War."

Panda Bear's Art of War

11:39 hours, February 25, 2006 (civilian calendar)\ Team CTF, Sol system, Blood gulch simulated map, Halo.

(Welcome Panda Bear) appeared in the message boards as one Spartan spawned out of no where on top of the red team's base. He was immediately under fire from all directions.

"SHIT!" Panda Bear (a.k.a. Red 001) swore as a green orb of fuel rod blast detonated right beside him, taking down his shields and doing damage to his health. He turned quickly and dropped into the flag room of the red team base, _good, the flag is still there,_ he thought with a sigh of relief as his shield bar began to slowly recharg_e. _4 red dots instantly appeared on his radar, all heading for his location. _But not for long, _Panda ran up to the wall of the flag room where a shotgun was lying on its side and backed up into the crevice in the wall. This is a common trick that he used to defend the flag, the enemy radars will bounce off of the wall of the flag room and he won't appear on their radar until he was ready. The red dots came closer; Red 001 counted till three and threw a frag grenade into the left entrance to the flag room. One second later, a blue armored Spartan ran right into the shrapnelled infernal created by the grenade.

Panda leaped out from his hiding spot and took aim with his assault rifle. After firing a full 60 rounds of automatic fire into the now dead corpse of the enemy, he began to reload. Surveying his radar carefully; it appears as if the second enemy was circling in from the back of the base while the third and forth were somewhere outside his radar range, doing damage to red base's defenses.

Red 001 quickly pulled up the scoreboard and found a 6-4 game with blue team having the 2-man advantage, he currently sat in the 5th position in the overall ranking. The red dot on his radar was moving in closer and closer. Panda ran through the entrance beside him and into the hall beyond, where his enemy was bound to show up in seconds' time. He primed and threw his second grenade into the entrance, hoping to blow up his enemy. His grenade bounced off of the outer wall and landed somewhere beyond his vision. Panda was about to aim his weapon when another frag grenade flew into the hall and landed near his feet.

"CRAP!" Red 001 was not fast enough to escape the explosion; a blaring siren went off in his helmet as his health bar dropped to 2 bars and his shield was gone. One hit would kill him. Panda retreated into the flag room and escaped through the opposite entrance into the front of the base. A warthog, manned by two enemies, one driver and one gunner in the back, was speeding towards his base, chain gun blazing away.

(The enemy has your flag) Panda turned around just soon enough to see the blue Spartan rushing out of his base with their flag held in both hands, he took aim with the assault rifle and fired a full clip into his enemy, taking down his shields. The blue Spartan dropped the flag and threw a frag grenade. Red 001 was prepared, he sidestepped the grenade even before it landed and finished reloading his weapon. The blue Spartan ( (sc) Chimnay) readied his M6D pistol and fired on Panda.

This was a bad situation; red 001's slowly recharging shield was taken down almost completely with only two shots. At this rate, he was going to be gunned down. As if answering his call, a red Spartan, newly respawned, leaped off of the base, blasting away at the exposed back of Chimnay who was busy engaging Panda Bear. Red 001 voiced silent thanks and brought his assault rifle to bear and fired in full automatic.

(You killed (Sc) Chimnay) Appeared on his screen.

"Thx", Panda Bear typed to his teammate.

"NP." Was the hastily written answer. (No problem)

Red 001 quickly sprinted up the ramp of red base and found 4 frag grenades sitting before the teleporter, he quickly grabbed them and found some extra pistol ammo.

(Your ally has the flag) This was a call for back up, the blue team would no doubt be trying to gun down the red with the flag. Ignoring the health pack, Panda ran through the green teleportation device and rematerialized behind a shadowy hill in the middle of the map. On his right was a dark path surrounded by looming rock formations, the path lead into a cave on the right and a slight rise to the left. There were two yellow dots on his radar. _Good, I have back up. _Panda sprinted up the hill and emerged on the other side, finding two of his team in formation, also running towards the enemy blue base. _Wow, is this, could this be :gasp: TEAM WORK! _Panda was bewildered; this was the first time that he had seen such co-operation between his team, he smirked, he had no problem with that.

No sooner had he thought that when the two red Spartans split up and run away in random directions, all engaging their own choice of enemies. Red 001 sighed _never mind, it was too good to last anyways._

He ran up to the curve leading towards blue base and rounded the corner into shadows, he strafed to the right and brought his pistol's aim onto the blue base. Three blue soldiers spawned together, red 001 quickly opened fire, taking advantage of headshots. 2 Spartans fell quickly and the third located Panda and rushed towards him and threw a grenade in his general direction. Red 001 easily avoided the grenade and fired on his helpless enemy as he rushed towards red 001 with minimal skill. Before Panda could gun down his enemy though, the blue Spartan suddenly disappeared under the wide tires of a warthog, driven by one of his teammates.

"That was soooooo my kill" Panda complained on his team message board.

"Lol," replied his warthog-driving teammate, irritating Panda even more. Red 001 was alerted to the LARGE red dot on his radar, he looked up and found, to his dismay, the bulbous aircraft known as 'shees'.

_Shee noobs, hmm…_ Panda thought slowly and jumped to his right just as the Banshee tried to ram him. Turning in mid leap, he opened fire into the exposed side of the covenant craft, spark flew from the thin armor. The enemy craft took flight again; it's rear present to Red 001. Panda Bear switched to his pistol and turned on the 2x zoom, his aim found the exposed armor of the blue Spartan piloting the craft and pulled the trigger once, twice, and three times.

(You killed Buttass) Red 001 stopped, _now why would anyone want to name themselves 'buttass'? I would never know, after all, I've seen people named 'dudu' before, not to mention the infamous 'sdfjhdfghndkcbhj' talk about noobs. _

Stopping to think was a mistake.

(Panda Bear was killed by Slowpoke) Red 001 cringed, how could he let himself stop moving in enemy territory! He might as well as have asked for a cup of tea and some of those cute teacakes. _You never stop moving in a Halo Online Multiplayer game_. While the respawn clock ticked down, Panda looked at the lovely way in switch his previous physical form was sprawled on the ground, in a similar heap as the many that he has killed. A slight, fading white trail hovered over his body and disappeared.

"Aha, so you are a sniper!" that was all Panda Bear needed to know. Seconds later, he respawned near the red base. Sprinting up the ramp once again, he looked around and found the one thing that he was looking for. A long barreled SRS99C sniper rifle ly on its side, the same weapon that had been used to kill him only moments ago. He quickly switched his assault rifle for the sniper rifle and aimed it in the general direction of the enemy sniper. The trail of a sniper bullet is the only weakness of this long range, too-power and too-accurate weapon; it usually gives away the position of the sniper and if he doesn't move, he's most likely be 'sniped' moments later.

Adjusting the aim of his sniper scope to 8x zoom, Panda found the enemy sniper, his figure instantly jumping towards Red 001 as if he was but a few feet away. The words "slowpoke" appeared over the enemy's head. He was comfortably perched on top of a shadowy hill, sniping away with the cursed weapon, and probably killing red Spartans too. Panda smirked; Slowpoke was protected from most fire by the large boulders around him and the steep hill, but not from the pure genius and aim of the great Panda! Red 001 nudged his aim and brought the tiny aimer to the top of Slowpoke's helmet, he opened fire. The next instant, Slowpoke twisted and fell as the ultrasonic sniper slug tore through his helmet. He was a noob for staying at the same spot and not moving, _Wait… that would be me before I got sniped… strike that thought._

(You killed Slowpoke) the red Spartan did a mini-victory dance and abandoned the sniper rifle for his assault rifle. Panda Bear was much better in hand-to-hand combat anyways.

A fleet of 3 warthogs, two machine gun hogs and one rocket hog, all fully manned with gunners on the back, rushed towards his base. From Panda's position, he saw that the fleet of rampaging hogs either blew up his retreating team or ran them over. He sighed; a Spartan's job is never done.

_I have a feeling that I've said that before somewhere…_

_(Panda Bear was killed by Slowpoke) _

"God damn it!"

To Be Continued

Next chapter I'm going to begin to implement the true purpose of this story. If anyone has read Sun Tzu's Art of War, then he/she would know that the book outlines the fundaments of military art. What I try to do with this story is to introduce new and original concepts into Halo Multiplayer. In order to do that, I'd need everyone's support, because after all, if no one reads this, what's the point of publishing it right? So read and review! Or I may sic the great Panda Bear on ya!

By the way, if you were wondering, this is based on Halo: combat evolved multiplayer for the PC. My user name is usually Panda Bear, and Slowpoke is a friend (real life) whom I frequently pwn on CTF or slayer. The elements and tactics of this story are all taken from my experiences when playing on bloodgulch; I'd like to think that I'm pretty good (usually in top three with an average of around 25 kills per game), so maybe even you can pick up some cool hints from reading this!

Cpt.ShaneSchofield: Hey, thanks for being the first reviewer! I'm glad that you found this funny! I was told: "You can't humor if your life depended on it!" I am still recovering from that till this day.

Halosobsessed1010: You'd be hard-pressed to find that "your mom" is a real player on Halo multiplayer, and he does team kill, a lot! If it's even a he… lol


	3. CAVE ATTACK AND DEFENSE

Panda Bear's Art of War (PB's AoW)

AN: I'll update every weekend since I really don't have time in the week to write anything, please bear with me in the mean time! Thanks for the support **Halosobssessed1010, Natination, Cpt. Shaneschofield and system crashed (this guy is slowpoke)**! You guys made my day with your awesome reviews!

Chapter 3: CAVE ATTACK AND DEFENSE Part: 1

20:03 hours, March 3, 2006 (Civilian Calendar)\Sol system, Bloodgulch, Simulated Halo.

If there was one thing that Panda Bear ever cared about, it was teamwork. And so far in his Halo online mayhem career, that has rarely materialized into being. So when he spawned on top of the blue base one day and saw seven green arrows all clustered in one place somewhere in the map, he was more than surprised. He glanced quickly at his radar and found no contacts, either were there any signs of battle around him; no smears of blood, no blackened dirt, it was as if all these Spartans all just got up one day and decided to be peaceful and fluffy. The last time Panda had seen this clean a floor was when he had tried to start his OWN 16 player CTF, and that turned ugly quick.

(Spartan 117 was killed by Jimmy) (Red 7 was killed by Jimmy) (Caboose was killed by Blue 002) (2kewl4u was killed by 7up) (Dirtbag was killed by New001)

Okay… strike that thought; if it were peaceful, the message boards wouldn't be clustered with death tolls. Wherever this fight was going on, there were sure to be lots of kills to be had. MUWAHAHAHA.

After picking up 2 grenades and 48 armor-piercing rounds for his pistol, Panda Bear jumped off of blue base and headed for the… warthog. He landed on the grass and found that the Jeep was gone. He turned and looked to where the rocket jeep should have been, and it was gone too. _Strange. You don't usually find a deserted base PERIOD. Finding a deserted base, warthogs included, is even stranger… something fishy is going on here._

Panda was a natural borne investigator, and he was determined to get to the bottom of this case. After grunting in disapproval of having to run all the way to the battlefield, wherever THAT was. But he was overdue for a good exercise anyways. The blue Spartan began to move. While he covered the first hill, the death toll continued to pile up in the message boards. And it seems as if the same few people kept getting all the kills.

By the time that Panda Bear had topped the second hill, he understood. There he was, standing on top of the tallest hill in the map, with the red team teleporter but a few meters from where he stood. A cave that was hidden in the shadows, with a very large boulder standing beside its entrance, usually a very good sniping spot, was being crowded like he had never seen before. The edges of its entrance was blackened beyond recognition, literally a pile of red bodies littered the floor, forming a type of perimeter around the entrance, sprawled out in all forms of brutality. Ammo and grenades covered the ground. Three red Spartans, standing at the bottom of the slope leading up to the entrance, began charging towards it at once.

They had their assault rifles and pistols drawn. Judging by the ugly, dark marks around the entrance and the blood smeared all over the face of the boulder, those Spartans were soon to die. Just as Panda had suspected, when the team of reds had approached to a distance of about 5 meters from the cave entrance, the spot where most of the red bodies lay, 4 rockets came zooming out of the cave and, catching one red as he was in the action of throwing a grenade, blasted the invaders to oblivion before they could say "mommy."

Panda understood, they were playing CAVE DEFENSE AND INVASION.

The concept of "Cave defense and invasion" was first thought up by Panda Bear himself and his friend Slowpoke. They had had many 2-player games where all they did were hunt and destroy; Warthog tag, hide and seek etc. (a series of lazy little mini-games) And one day, Panda Bear finally got tired of old fashioned multiplayer battles and wanted to play something cool. Something similar to old-styled medieval castle attack and defense. So he picked a spot (The cave), and one Spartan would drive a warthog inside, then he/she would systematically blast the invader to heck as the enemy tried to take possession of the cave

It was fun with 2 players, and when Panda invited a few of his friends online into a full blown 8-player battle, it was a blast. 4 on 4 defense and attack, more rockets and fuel rod guns and grenades and machine guns were stocked inside the cave, while the invading army had to work out elaborate strategies to take the cave before their entire team got blasted. And gradually, more and more strangers came to play and adopted the type of game.

Now, when panda saw his own game come to life and being played by 15 other strangers, he was proud. _I am soooo proud._

Before his thoughts could carry him any further into happy land, 4 red Spartans materialized almost instantaneously near his feet at the red teleporter. Because Panda Bear was standing still, he apparently didn't show up on their motion-sensing radars, so the 4 reds ignored him and took up formation. One of them went for the rocket lying near their teleporter and 2 more enemies rushed to the alternated entrance hidden in the rock formations to Panda's left. _This is trouble, our rocket and machine gun hogs are probably lined up inside that cave, one rocket fired inside would practically cause a chain effect and take out 2 warthogs while the other 2 reds flanked my team from the entrance with the flamethrower. This is going to turn disastrous if I don't do something. _

Before the enemy noticed the blue Spartan standing on the most obvious spot on the map (Probably due to over excitement at yet another chance to get blown up), Panda Bear cocked his trusty M6D pistol and fired three shots into the enemy going for the rocket. One more bullet finished him off. Then he leaped off of the hill and went for the second red taking up a position behind the large boulder beside the entrance. The real trouble lies with those two Spartans flanking his team from the alternate entrance.

"There are two reds flanking you from behind." Panda quickly keyed to his team on their private channel.

"Thx." Came the hastily typed reply. Panda focused his sights onto the Spartan behind the large boulder. One successfully thrown grenade from outside will also do disastrous damage to his team who were inside the cave. And Panda bear had to get inside the cave quick, more red teams were bound to come through the teleporter at any given second, and they won't be caught off guard twice.

Panda Bear pulled the trigger 5 times, five ultra sonic slugs shot into the enemy, but he didn't go down. Instead, the red Spartan turned and threw a grenade in the direction of Panda Bear, the fragmentation explosive landed skillfully beside Panda's foot, detonating only a moment afterwards. The lone Blue Spartan cursed as the red menace leaped high and prepared to put Panda out of his furry misery. But alas! By rushing towards Panda Bear, the red Spartan had presented himself as a perfect target for the Blue team stationed inside the cave. Machine gun fire instantly poured out of the entrance and a rocket zoomed out of the cave and miraculously caught the enemy squarely in the side. The armored soldier changed his descending trajectory in a heartbeat and he flew 25 meters horizontally away from where the rocket had blasted him and landed inside a tree.

((Sc) Ron was blasted… ahem, I mean, killed by New001)

"NICE!"

"Nice!"

"Ns!"

"NC."

In an instant, every type of "nice" was written in all its 'txt tlk' glory. An unspoken tradition in Halo Online multiplayer is that after a good fight, ending up with one side dead; the dead person could either say "NOOB!" Or, "Nice". The winner, on the other hand, could either walk up to the dead Spartan and 'hump' him/her or blast the dead body with a full sixty rounds of assault rifle ammo or be indifferent and move onto the next victim after salvaging what's left of his /her victim's ammo and explosives. So it is always nicer to win, and not lose.

One of the "nicers", not-surprisingly, was the poor lad who got exploded by that damn wocket jeep.

Panda Bear made a beeline for the entrance.

"Don't blast me, I'm coming in." He typed quickly to his team and ran up the slope. As he approached the entrance to the cave, he was suddenly hit in the side by dull thumps, knocking away his composure. Panda knew that red team was coming out of the teleporter and methodically trying to kill what they could of the blue team. His shield was rapidly dwindling with each shot that hit its mark. At this rate Panda was going down fast.

Suddenly, a rocket was fired from inside the cave and exploded a few meters to the left of Panda Bear, in between him and his enemy. The splash washed away what remained of his shield but also effectively created a cloud of dirt that blinded his enemy's vision long enough for Panda to make one final leap into the cave with 4 bars of health left.

He didn't have enough time to say thanks as 5 red dots on his radar, clustered together, were rushing towards the entrance quickly. Panda quickly scanned the inside of the cave and found 4 warthogs and two Spartans, both Rockets and Machine guns on the warthogs were manned by blue team while the two Spartans each held a personal rocket launcher over their shoulders. Panda Hastily threw a grenade outside near the entrance and fell back into the cave. Rockets and machine gun fire zoomed past his head and exploded in a wall of unraveled dirt, blocking the entrance with soil. Three red dots disappeared while the last two turned and headed in another direction, most likely going for the alternate entrance.

"Nice, but they're coming in from the rear again." Panda Warned.

"No problem, we've got turtleneck guarding the entrance below with an over shield and a flamethrower." Jimmy said quickly on the team COM.

"Kay, I'm going down to give him some support, afterward, I'll have to get out there and get the rocket launcher, we can't let them get that."

"10/4." Panda ran into the small tunnel in the back of the cave and descended into another, smaller cavern. A large rock jutted out in the middle while the alternate entrance to the outside stood on the other side. A blue Spartan was already there, holding a flamethrower at the ready. If any reds were to come and rush into the narrow entrance, the flamethrower would make short work of their soon-to-be-crisp bodies. The remaining two red dots appeared and soon after, the figures of two red Spartans rounded the corner and charged into the cave, machine guns blazing. The bullets bounced off of the large rock harmlessly while Turtleneck unleashed a stream of bright yellow flame directly into the enemy's paths.

(JediMaster was killed by Turtleneck) (Longcat was killed by Turtleneck)

The flame ceased, and revealed two still-burning bodies lying in a large, blackened spot on the floor.

"Who loves you now! HAHAHA" Turtleneck spammed on the COM to everyone.

"Turtle, help Panda get out there and get that rocket, give em' cover or sumthin."

"Okay."

Panda sprinted outside with Turtle closely following at his heels, his pistol was closely trained on the teleporter, determined to make short work of any red team that decided to materialize. Panda ran past the teleporter and turtle stopped right reside it to burn anyone that comes out. Quickly grabbing the rocket, Panda and Turtle quickly retreated back into the cave.

"Good job guys." Said Jimmy on the team COM.

"We rock!" Babbled New001. And then no one talked, and they waited, and waited. Normally, the red team would be coming for their cave again, but no. It's been almost 10 seconds and no one is coming. Panda Bear quickly checked the game roster to make sure that no one on the red team had decided to quit; all the red team were still in the game.

"Okay guys," Started Panda, "They are plotting and scheming against us."

"Lol."

"I know they know rushing the entrance won't work, they're planning, don't let your guard down."

SOMEWHERE IN THE RED BASE 

"Yes, hehehe, and 2kewl4u, you go here with grenades and Longcat goes here. You, Blue002, get the sniper." Said one obscure and evil voice from the dark depths of the red base. "The cave'll be ours, OURS I SAY! MUWAHAHAHAHA, BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

To Be Continued

Just to explain, CAVE ATTACK AND DEFENSE isn't really known in the halo online multi games, but I'm trying to promote the game through this fic, so go and try it, it's really fun!

And what will the evil scheming red team do to the poor blue team? Find out in the next chapter! Please review for… … just to make me happy!


	4. CAAD

Panda bear's Art of War

Chapter 4

CAVE ATTACK AND DEFENSE part: 2

23:54 hours, March 9, 2006 (civilian calendar)\Bloodgulch map, sol system, simulated Halo

The onslaught came in an instant, one moment, Panda bear and the rest of the blue team were chatting idly in the cave, to pass some time and to bond. And the next moment, 7 red dots registered on their motion-sensing radars and quickly spread out.

"I'm going out," New001 said and was out of the cave before anyone could stop him. The poor nooby was gunned down with 3 inhumanly precise shots to the head even before he could take aim with his personal rocket launcher.

"No! You stupid…" the rocket-hog-manning Jimmy said through the COM a second too late.

(New001 was killed by JediMaster)

A red Spartan appeared in the cave entrance while the blue team was still in shock, she threw a frag grenade into the cave, and the projectile landed perfectly in the middle of the huddle of warthogs. In the next moment, every Blue Spartan was engulfed in a wave of heat and shrapnel before even one of the hogs could open fire.

"Someone go cover the entrance!" Panda quickly typed as the team began to re-orient the flipped warthogs. Turtleneck sprinted to the entrance and unleashed a cloud of super-heated flame into the red "Longcat", who died before she could lounge another grenade into the cave. Unfortunately, the grenade that was about to be thrown had already been primed and fell at her feet in a shower of deadly sparks. It erupted a moment later in another yellow infernal that engulfed and killed Turtleneck.

(Longcat was killed by Turtleneck)

(Turtleneck was killed by Longcat)

"Noooo!" typed a re-spawning Turtleneck.

"lol," Longcat laughed while she too was in the process of being reborn.

"Crap." Panda cursed and hastily threw a grenade, which landed just outside of the entrance, and exploded-explosively. 3 Warthogs had been flipped over and Jimmy and Blue 002 already manned two. 7up, unfortunately, had been squashed while the third hog was being flipped over.

(7Up was killed by a Vehicle)

Panda Bear jumped on the third rocket warthog and unleashed two rockets at the entrance before he ran out of rockets and had to reload. Unicorny and Bellsy, who had been assigned to relieve Panda Bear and Turtle in the lower cave, quickly came sprinting up the back-tunnel and joining in the defense.

"go bac dwn to the low-cave. their tryin to flank us!" Blue 002 hastily commanded, spelling errors and all, and the two Spartans turned in mid-stride to retreat back into their original stations. But a firefight instantly broke out only half way down into the lower cave. Blue 002 was right, only he was too late, by the time that Bellsy and Unicorny had went back down, 3 reds had already penetrated into the lower cave and was half way up the tunnel into the main cave when Bellsy and Unicorn met them. The rhythmic flashing of lights bouncing off of the tunnel wall from the gun fight reminded Panda of a night out at some disco-bar which was playing techno-pop extraordinaire, but now was hardly the time to think about disco, he was on the verge of death.

A red dot moved along his radar, slowly creeping towards the entrance of their cave, and Panda trained his sights on the ground at the cave opening.

(Red7 was killed by Unicorny)

(Bellsy was killed by Spartan 117)

(Spartan 117 was killed by Unicorny)

(Unicorny was killed by Dirtbag)

Panda knew he had to go engage Dirtbag or the remaining Blues would be history, the red dot on his radar was waiting for the moment when Dirtbag threw his grenade into the blue team's warthog formation. Whoever had mounted and planned this attack was a strategic genius, the red's knew how many people would be guarding the lower cave, and how the blues would react, and within the first 10 seconds of the attack, 5 Blue Spartans had been killed while the reds only suffered 3 casualties.

Panda jumped off from his warthog and threw a frag grenade into the narrow tunnel leading into the main cave. Following the echoing explosion, he ran down the tunnel to greet his enemy, Dirtbag. Panda brought his assault rifle to bear and prepared to engage his enemy at any second, usually he would use the M6D pistol for a one-on-one engagement, but the tunnel was so narrow that even the assault rifle couldn't miss. Dirtbag rounded a corner and came face to face with Panda Bear, who was waiting. The blue Spartan quickly "F"ed (F key Melee attack) Dirtbag in the face and while his enemy was trying to make out what was happening, Panda let 60 rounds fly and penetrate straight and deepinto the chest plate of his enemy, who fell and died.

(Dirtbag was killed by Panda Bear)

(Jimmy was killed by Jedi Master)

(Jedi Master was killed by Jimmy)

(2kewl4u was killed by Jimmy)

_It looks as if Jimmy blew up two reds before got blown up himself, I gotta make it back up into the cave, Blue002 needs help. _Panda turned and entered the main cave again. Jimmy's body lay beside a flipped rocket-hog while Blue 002 poured a hail of bullets through the entrance. Panda Bear swiftly jumped on the back of the remaining rocket hog and fired the 1 rocket remaining in its barrel. At a time when the enemy is rushing you, it's always good to fire all your remaining rockets and let it reload to the full 3 barrel if you get the chance.

(Chuck Norris: We can't waste time! The cave must be taken before the cursed Blues get back to reinforce them!)

Apparently, that was meant as a TEAM COM, judging by the deafening silence from the red team after that command, Chucky must have pressed "T" instead of "Y" when talking. Leaking "important military info."

Panda Bear trained his rocket on the entrance and prepared to fire at any moment and it came quickly. The red Spartan "Caboose" appeared around the corner and was blown away even before a single bullet came out of his assault rifle.

(Chuck Norris: You FOOL! Caboose, you have utterly DESTROYED my CUNNING and GENIUS plan! Must I always deal with these fools?)

Panda almost laughed, an evil-genius-drawl would have completed that statement made by Chucky, this was one of those times when Panda Bear wished that Halo Online Multiplayer supported voice-chat; but then again, that would be too-funny and no one would fight anymore. The Spartans were designed to kill-in-style, not laugh like a pack of idiots at someone's strange accent when they should be blowing each other up.

(JediMaster: Oh oh! Wanna hear a Chuck Norris Joke!) JediMaster paused for dramatic effect. (JediMaster: When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris! Hahahahaha) He laughed and appeared to be the only one laughing, an awkward silence hung in the air, (JediMaster: Oh oh! And, Chuck Norris' tears are proven to cure cancer… TOO BAD HE'S NEVER CRIED! AHAHAHAHAHA)

(Everyone playing the game (EPTG): … Oooooohh, good one…)

(Chuck Norris: Are you quite done yet?)

(JediMaster: No! heck no! I have lots more, like…)

(EPTG: SHUT UP!)

(JediMaster: okay.)

And so, the so called CAVE ATTACK AND DEFENSE was completely forgotten moments later, as each person began to communicate their own intellect in the field of Chuck Norris jokes

And they lived happily ever after.

End of CAVE ATTACK AND DEFENSE

There is no end, there is only Chuck Norris! (I came up with that one myself)

I am simply using the Chuck Norris phenomenon as a cheap way of making my story funny, well, I find the Chuck Norris jokes funny, so there! BUWAHAHAHA! **And by the way the ("F" ed) thing came from "Systemcrashed" (slowpoke)'s fics, he thought that up, so he gets credit.**

**REVIEW, it's your destiny!**

Next up... err... new maps and new strategies!

Here's a random blurb, Up till now, I've always been playing the Halo trial, and blood gulch was the only online option, but just a few days ago, I got full version and I'm having a BLAST blasting people away with scorpions and other stuff! So now I can write about other maps! Yay!


	5. The Flying Ghost

Panda Bear's Art of War

Stunt Server

Author's note: this is a chapter about a stunt server, the 'hero' being, not me, but slowpoke. The odds will be extremely distorted, so expect lots and lots of talking and a very demented and almost impossible strategy. But hey, this is a STUNT SERVER!

Kiwi granted this chapter idea to me! And I must say, this is a very awesome idea; I simply hope that I won't screw it up. Now, on with the tricks!

(Welcome Slowpoke)

"CAPTURE THE FLAG"

The red Spartan known as Slowpoke materialized inside the red base, beside the flag.

_INSIDE the red base? _He thought incredulously and looked around suspiciously at the all-too-familiar thick-looking concrete walls and the flag right beside him. He turned his head upwards and looked through the opening above into the sky over Bloodgulch. He has indeed spawned inside the red base's flag room.

_Something. Fishy. Is. Going. On. Here!_

Slowpoke tried to remember the name of the game that he had joined. Usually, he joined any game as long as there was room, disregarding the name altogether; which resulted in many 'pwnings' because some of the servers were named "Ultimate Mega Clan war!". Now as he thought back, he vaguely remembered the words "Stunt" and "Mod" present in the name.

_Oh no… Oh YES!_

In an instant, he knew what to do, the red Spartan sprinted around the corner and appeared outside.

"OHH! MY GOD!" He nearly fell over with joy and shock; but being the super soldier that is destined to save the human race and be a great propaganda tool for those in power, his armor came with the automatic "Non-fall-over-from-joy-and-shock-function." So Slowpoke stood for a moment, staring at the crowd of Scorpion battle tanks, Ghosts, Warthogs, Banshees, and a bunch of shades. Beside the pile of vehicles that are otherwise non-present in Slowpoke's Halo Trial version, there lay ANOTHER pile of all human AND Covenant weapons. Slowpoke's eyes were instantly trained on the pink/armadillo-like weapon known as a needler.

_NEEEEEEEEEEEEDLERSSSSSSSS! YAY!_

Slowpoke was, at birth, naturally attracted to shiny, spiky and pink things, and now he squealed happily and ran towards the pile of his favorite equipments, although he can't exactly run, 'slowpoke' and all.

After acquiring his favorite weapon (needler), slowpoke ran beside a parked warthog and climbed in. After the warthog rumbled to life, he pressed the gas pedal and the jeep sped off towards the blue base. It was strange because up till now, no one had been killed yet, and slowpoke hadn't seen one person yet.

(Beavis: Hey slowpoke, switch to blue team.)

(Slowpoke: Nah…) And he drove on.

The warthog hopped over one last hill before the shady blue base came into view.

(Slowpoke: ohh…)

In what seemed like utter chaos around the blue base, tanks were shooting, banshees were swerving and ghosts were trying to run each other over while a fleet of rocket warthogs tried to blast anything that moved. The host must have turned team kill Off because the blue team's 4 tanks were blasting the 4 banshees flying overhead piloted by fellow blue Spartans and no one was hurt; Rocket hogs were driving around and trying to run people over to no avail.

(Bookshelf: He guys look! Slowpoke is red, so we can kill him!) The shooting stopped, and in an instant, 12 pairs of tank cannons, Banshee guns, and rocket launchers were turned in the general direction of slowpoke and his lonely warthog.

(Slowpoke: uhh… guys, we can talk about this…I'm just going to run now.) the lone red Spartan brought his vehicle into a deep swerve and tried to turn it around, but too late. The rocket hogs fired first, then the Banshees flying overhead opened fire with their fuel rod guns, and finally, the 4 tanks blasted Slowpoke to heck with their huge cannons.

(Slowpoke was killed by HOMEWORK)

(Slowpoke was killed by buttplug)

(Slowpoke was killed by thebear)

(Slowpoke was killed by Spartan Linda)

(Slowpoke: is it possible to be killed by 4 people at once?)

(Spartan Linda: LMAO)

(Slowpokes: you guys are mean!)

(Beavis: oh well, no one likes you anyways.)

(Someguy: lol)

(Slowpoke: I'll show you)

After respawning, the red Spartan still refused to switch over to blue team, he was above their lowly ways. The soldier began to strategize inside his base, no matter how hard he thought, he couldn't formulate a plan to take on the massive army of blue team with only one person. He needed help and help fast.

(Welcome Panda Bear)

(Panda Bear: Eh? For some reason, I was pulled from my last match and spawned here, what's the deal? I was getting mad shots of chocolate milk too!)

_Team COM begins_

(Slowpoke: O…kay…I need help taking on the blue team Panda, we are two against twelve.)

(Panda Bear: Okay, brief me about the situation.)

(Slowpoke: First of all, we're screwed almost beyond hope.)

(Panda Bear: o…kay, why am I here then? I'm leaving.)

(Slowpoke: No, no wait!)

_Team COM ends_

(Beavis: hey Panda, switch to blue team.)

(Slowpoke: Shut up, give me a sec here.)

(Beavis: Sorry, no need to spaze on me!)

(Spartan Linda: Lol)

_Team COM begins_

(Panda Bear: why don't we just get into those tanks and blast them?)

(Slowpoke: …They have 4 tanks, 4 banshees, a crap load of ghosts, and some rocket hogs, ready to toast our a$$, all guns aimed in our general direction.)

(Panda Bear: Oh…)

(Slowpoke: So, here's the plan, in order to beat them, we need the element of surprise, and nothing is better for surprise than a STUNT!)

(Panda bear: O…Kay? You are going to juggle oranges and scare them to death? GET IT? JUGGLE? SLOWPOKE? LMAO)

(Slowpoke: …)

(Slowpoke: And no, not that kind of stunt, Juggling doesn't even count as a stunt btw, I meant as in Halo stunts, like jumping really high and stuff.)

(Panda Bear: Oh, I see, as in, glitches/stunts stunts! Cool! Is this one of those stunt servers?)

(Slowpoke: Apparently)

(Panda Bear: Cool! What are we going to do!)

(Slowpoke: What do you think will surprise them the most?)

(Panda Bear: Err… a flying… Panda? ROFL)

Slowpoke paused in his thoughts.

(Slowpoke: Wow, THAT IS AN AWESOME IDEA!)

(Panda Bear: Okay, I was just joking, no need to get sarcastic, even if I am a Panda, I'm in a armor suit, and they won't know me if I wave bamboos at them!)

(Slowpoke: No, not the Panda thing, flying! That'll definitely surprise them, AND, if we are flying, we'll be harder to hit!)

_Team COM ends_

(Dirtbag 2: Okay, why is no one talking?)

(Chuck Norris: You FOOL Dirtbag! Can't you see that the EVILLE red team is scheming against us in their own communicating devices! Oh, you fool, you just broke my concentration while I tried to penetrate their psychological defenses and dig deep into their thoughts! BUWAHAHAHA)

(Entire Blue Team: … Chuck, stop talking.)

(Chuck Norris: I am never loved.)

_Team COM begins_

(Panda Bear: Okay, they know we are scheming? How does that work for your "element of surprise"?)

(Slowpoke: Not well, now listen, this is what I want to do, I want you to make a ramp with the tank and blast me when I go off your tank/ramp and make me literally fly into their defenses! Haha! I am a Genius!)

(Panda Bear: You suspiciously remind me of 343 Guilty… spark…) Panda Bear fingered the barrel of his assault rifle. (Okay, I can see why you are being pwned, for one thing, did you remember that tanks blasting you would KILL you? INCLUDING your own teammates?)

(Slowpoke: No, the host turned team kill off, so we can't kill each other)

(Panda Bear: Really?)

(Slowpoke: yeah… why?)

(Panda Bear: hehehe.) Panda Bear suddenly dropped down from over head into the flag room, facing slowpoke, and stuck a plasma grenade perfectly in the center of Slowpoke's visor. He backed away and moments later, the grenade detonated, but slowpoke was completely unharmed. (Panda Bear: Okay, so he really didn't turn on team kill.) If the words could speak, there would undoubtedly be a hint of disappointment in panda's voice.

(Slowpoke: Okay, sticking a plasma grenade on my face is un-called for, but, GO AND GET THE TANK READY!)

(Panda Bear: Kay, whatever.)

Panda Bear ran outside and Slowpoke heard the rumble of the mighty engines of the scorpion main battle tank. Following that, Slowpoke ran outside himself and hopped into a ghost, which hummed and lifted off the floor with a light draft.

By the time that Slowpoke had oriented himself with the controls of the ghost, Panda Bear had already lined up his Scorpion. The tank was positioned so that the front faced the red base, while the cannon was turned 180 degrees backwards to essentially turn the Scorpion into a really big ramp.

(Spartan Linda: Guys, they're on the move, they are getting into some weird formation with a tank and ghost.)

(Beavis: everyone stay calm, two guys can't possibly create anything so surprising that they'll catch us all off guard and essentially kill us all, not a chance… yup, not a chance in hell.)

(Chuck Norris: You FOOL! You just jinxed us all with your EVILLE mouth! Now shut up!)

(Entire Blue Team:… I didn't like Beavis' initial comment… but I preferred it over chuck's… )

Slowpoke lined his ghost perpendicular to the middle, front section of the scorpion tank and gave himself enough distance to accelerate to full speed.

(Slowpoke: remember, blast my ghost the moment I fly off the tip of your cannon, that should blast me all the way across Blood Gulch.)

(Panda Bear: Pfft, I'd rather we just went in and blasted everyone)

(Slowpoke: Okay, once again, they have four tanks, four bansh…)

(Panda Bear: Okay okay, I get the point, now just go.)

Slowpoke took a deep breath and pushed on his ghost to accelerate, within 2 seconds, the ghost had accelerated to its top speed and hit the front of the tank at a perfectly 90 degree angle. He went straight and was lifted further by the rotated cannon of the tank, which acted as an extended ramp. The moment that he flew off the tip of the tank, Panda Bear opened fire and the mighty tank blast caught Slowpoke's Ghost perfectly in the rear, which is a bad thing unless you are… well… in Slowpoke's situation.

The tank blast acted as a powerful rocket propulsion that accelerated the negative parabola (a half egg facing up) of the ghost, which flew so high that it touched the ceiling of bloodgulch and slowly began to descend, flying towards the blue base at blinding speed all the while.

(Slowpoke: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee) Deep Breath (…Hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!)

(Beavis: Holy crap! What is that purple dot in the sky that is growing steadily larger at an alarming rate and looks strangely like a ghost piloted by a very angry/pissed off/ excited for our demise slowpoke?)

(Dirtbag 2: Okay, that is definitely not Slowpoke, Nothing can do that, fly that high and fast I mean, not even a banshee. I say it's a radioactive garbage bag.)

(thebear: no you idiot! That looks like a spray painted albatross to me)

(buttplug: what the heck is an albatross?)

(Chuck Norris: a really really big bird you fool!)

(Beavis: Okay, guys, I think my initial 'hunch' was correct…)

Slowpoke descended rapidly in his ghost, he had to use the hovering control of the ghost to keep his ground-vehicle-turned-rocket-like-vehicle-that-goes-really-fast-and-high from twisting out of control. In an instant, the ghost struck, smack dab in the middle of the blue team's battle formation, in the junction between Beavis' tank's battle platform and the main cannon; and it stuck there.

Slowpoke thought it was a miracle that he had landed such a stunt, and having Beavis, the most annoying and psycho of the blue team perfectly in the middle of his sights, quivering in fear like a little girl in his protective pilot canopy, makes things all the much better.

The red Spartan opened fire, and Beavis was engulfed in a cloud of burning blue plasma before he died.

(Beavis was killed by Slowpoke)

Before the blue team could pull themselves out of shock, slowpoke exited his trusty ghost and leaped on top of another tank, he had the driver perfectly in his sights and opened fire with 60 full rounds of assault rifle, armor piercing goodies.

(Chuck Norris was killed by Slowpoke)

By this time, the remaining two tanks had recovered from their shock and turned their cannons on the empty tank that Slowpoke was standing on.

(Slowpoke: Oh shi+)

A Scorpion fired, and its huge, explosive shell… well… exploded.

Slowpoke slowly opened his eyes, and to his surprise, he was still alive.

(Someguy was killed by Panda Bear)

Everyone's attention temporarily turned to the completely unnoticeable, mammoth of a tank, that was sitting on top of the most obvious hill near the blue base, it's cannon still smoking from the recent explosive that flew through its barrels. Each blue was so entranced by that flying ghost that no one out of the twelve blues noticed the huge behemoth rolling into perfect firing position practically right in front of them. Slowpoke used this valuable distraction to hop into the tank that Chuck Norris had just kindly vacated. His smoking body lay sprawled out beside the massive treads. _It's nice to share_, Slowpoke reasoned and hopped into the crammed cockpit.

(Panda Bear: This is what happens when you don't keep a keen eye on me! BUWAHAHAHA)

(a vehicle: well, I have you in my sights, does that count as 'keen sights'? And you are about to be blasted buddy)

Indeed, 'a vehicle', the driver of the last remaining tank for the blue team, had foolishly turned his cannon away from slowpoke and now had it aimed at Panda Bear.

(a vehicle: ha! This is what happens when you underestimate my 5k111z! And now I am going to blast you, yes you, my dear Panda, to bits! BUWAHAHAHAHA)

(a vehicle was killed by slowpoke)

(Slowpoke: nOOb)

The final tank was vacated by a blast from a tank from behind 'a vehicle', which happened so abruptly that the remaining blue team was pulled into another trance of general staring at Slowpoke, who sat in his cockpit, satisfied at shutting one more blue up, hopefully forever.

And using YET ANOTHER distraction, Panda Bear reloaded his tank shell and exploded a banshee with his big wocket launcher, and then it was a simple business of cleaning up. The two Scorpions pranced through and around the blue team base while the ghosts swerved around them like annoying flies, shooting harmless fireballs at the all-too-thick-armor of the Main Battle Tanks. Soon, all 12 of the blues either were blown up or ran away in fear to hide in a hole somewhere. But their girly (no offense of females who read this, I am a stereotypical fool) screams eventually gave them away and they too were systematically vaporized.

5 Minutes later

The entire blue team, all 12 of them, were crammed into the flag room for fear of being blown up the moment they stepped outside.

(Beavis: Okay, Spartan Linda, you were in the Banshee surveying their every move before we got… umm… well, you know, blown up. So tell me, how did they get that ghost to do that!)

(Spartan Linda: Don't know, I was having a coffee break.)

(Beavis: NOOOOOOOOOOO, our only chance at getting back at the reds is gone forever! MOMMMMYYY!)

The end of Stunt Server

Author's note: Random ending. And yes, the ghost stunt is theoretically possible (I think) although I have never been able to perfectly do it. But imagine, having a ghost rocket into the enemy's defenses… cool. And the entire strategy which resulted in the elimination of the entire blue team with only two reds is highly unlikely unless the situation is absolutely perfect, so don't try that at home… actually, do try it!

**By the way, how many people reading this have Halo: Custom Edition**? If you do, please give a shout out to me, if there are enough people playing HaloCE, I would really like to write a chapter with battles of longswords and pelicans (They are real, and they are spectacular) on hugeass (Those who have Halo CE know what I'm talking about). So if you do have HaloCE, tell me in your review. And yes, Longswords and Pelicans are pilotable vehicles on halo CE thanks to Tiamat and other modders, plus HaloCE is free for download.

REVIEW! Tell me what you thought about this stunt server thing, to be honest, I've never been in a proper stunt server, so I worked on this chapter with little information from Slowpoke (System Crashed), who have been to a stunt server before, and I tried to recreate his info as best as I could.


End file.
